What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
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I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again