My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
You Might Also Like
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
synchronized noseblowing
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.