Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
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Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic