Welcome to the stomach
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Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry