inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
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Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.