Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
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Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.