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Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
rise and shine we got egg
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work