It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
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Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?