[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
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After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Mice are just frozen Mwater.