If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
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man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Don’t talk down to me
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Who.
Did.
This?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
who named him groot and not spruce lee