You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
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If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
smh
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Friends that check up on you >