blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
You Might Also Like
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves