Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
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ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.