Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
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Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here