Pandas 🐼🖤
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I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Life with a cat in one tweet
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.