“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
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My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends