This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
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CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Cannot stop laughing at this
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.