Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
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[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*