I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
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This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
black phone good
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.