Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
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You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
What the hell is going on?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.