when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
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*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on