It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
You Might Also Like
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
President The Rock Obama
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
#inspiration #foodforthought
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.