Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
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JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
his wife is probably gonna see that
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.