You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
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adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.