[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
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i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.