A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
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if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!