of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
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I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.