if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
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Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
A family that plays together cheats.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.