The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
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I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
🙂🐾
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there