Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
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phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My beach vacation Google searches
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad