I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
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Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
kids play hide and seek like
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]