When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
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[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
we’re dead?
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I found your tweet-up…
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner