I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
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“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.