A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
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We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄