My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
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It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Who knew!
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today