If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
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Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Is this a threat?
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.