My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
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Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
dutch so unserious
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.