her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
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Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
i spent way too long on this
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.