“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
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If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
reviewed some movies recently
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”