Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
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My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I’m having an out of money experience.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too