I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
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How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*