“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
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I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Monday
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I’m sure it’s fine.
Gods work.