Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
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I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?