[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
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4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Seems a bit forward
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
🐕🍷
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
How to draw a duck
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time