Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
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“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”