The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
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“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake