[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
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[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
No, he would not have.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Once again not all heroes wear capes
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes