Is….Is this an option?
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Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.