FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
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My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.