me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.